Season 5 - Episode 06 "Customer Survey" - OfficeQuotes.net (2023)

Written by Lester Lewis
Directed by Stephen Merchant
Original Air Date: November 6th, 2008

Michael: Hey, sport.
Dwight: I heard someone got engaged, you dog, huh? [punches Michael’s shoulder]
Michael: Ow! God!
Dwight: Oh, nothing can hurt you now. You’re a man in love!

Darryl: I was there. That dude is not engaged. I’m not a big believer in therapy, but I’ll go into my own pocket to cover his co-pay.

Andy: Big idea: double wedding. Me, Angela, you, Holly.
Michael: No, we would never do that. And if we did, it would be with Jim and Pam.
Jim: Yeah, we’d never do that.
Michael: Yeah, so there you go.
Kelly: [enters Michael’s office] Michael, I got my bridesmaid dress.
Michael: Oh, wow, so quickly.
Kelly: Yeah, and you said I could get it in any color I wanted, so I picked white.
Kevin: Michael, did you tell your mom yet?
Michael: Nope. Nope. Not yet.
Jim: You wouldn’t tell your mom?
Kevin: You love your mom.
Kelly: Call your mom, Michael. [everyone talking]
Michael: I’ll call her later.
Group: [chanting and clapping] Call her! Call her!
Michael: I don’t want to do that. [chanting continues] All right. [picks up phone and dials] She is going to freak out!
Andy: [punches button] Speakerphone!
Michael: That’s — thanks.
Mother: [on speakerphone] Hello?
Michael: Mom, I’m getting married.
Mother: No, you’re not.
Michael: Why do you always do that? Whenever I’m getting married, you don’t believe me.
Mother: Well, are you getting married?
Michael: No. [laughs]
Mother: Are you– [Michael ends call]
Michael: I’m not, I’m not getting married. So… [laughs] Psych.

Kelly: So I returned my bridesmaid dress, and it was on sale, so I’m out $100.
Michael: And I’m out a fiancee. Are those the customer surveys?
Kelly: Yeah, uh, this is all of them: Jim, Dwight, Phyllis, Stanley, Andy and — oh. Oh, it’s the receipt to my bridesmaid dress. What’s that doing there? [hands stack of papers to Michael]
Michael: I’ll take care of that for you. [crumples receipt and throws it in trash] Thanks.

Michael: Kelly Kapoor is our dusky, exotic customer service rep. And once a year, she will contact our clients and find out how happy they are with our salespeople. Sort of a Kapoor’s List. “Schindler’s List” parody. … That’s not appropriate, no.

Jim: Those reports affect our bonuses, which is kind of great for me, because you wouldn’t know it from looking at her, but Pam’s a gold-digger.
Pam: [on Bluetooth speaker] Hey, New York ain’t free. Get back to work.
Jim: Aww.

Pam: It’s the world’s tiniest Bluetooth. I found it in a Japanese gadget store in the village. I got one for Jim, too. Jim, say something.
Jim: [on Bluetooth] Testing, testing. Hello, everybody.
Pam: We wanted to stay on the phone all day, but the company has a policy against eight-hour personal calls. So we’re not telling anyone.
Alex: Uh, Pam. What do you want on your coffee?
Jim and Pam: Sprinkle of cinnamon.
Pam: I should go.

Michael: Alrighty, Dwighty, let’s see how you did.
Dwight: Bring it on. [starts to put foot up on Michael’s desk]
Michael: No.
Dwight: Sorry.
Michael: Wow.
Dwight: What does it say?
Michael: Dwight, your feedback is horrible.
Dwight: That’s impossible.
Michael: A number of your clients found your personal style abrasive and distasteful.
Dwight: I sell more paper than anyone. [stands and reaches for the file]
Michael: No, no, no, no, no.
Dwight: Wait, is this a joke? I’m getting that queasy feeling that sometimes accompanies jokes.
Michael: Do I look like I am joking?
Dwight: No, but that’s sometimes part of it.
Michael: If I were joking, you would be laughing. Do you look like you are laughing?
Dwight: Impossible to say. I can’t see myself.
Michael: You’re not.

Andy: Yo, Tommy Tuna, did you get your scores yet?
Jim: Nope.
Andy: I got mine. They were really good.
Pam: [listening in New York] I miss him.
Jim: You must be really proud.
Andy: Yeah, pretty psyched. Whoa! That’s my mug.
Jim: Oh, sorry. It was just — it was right here.
Andy: Right, well, it’s mine, so if you could pour it out and get another one.
Jim: OK. Or maybe I could finish the coffee that’s in here and you could use [finds a mug] uh, oh — Snoopy.
Pam: Don’t give him Snoopy. That’s mine.
Andy: [smiles] It is a great mug. But it’s not my mug. That is my mug. So give it back.
Jim: How can you even be sure?
Andy: It has my face on it.
Jim: [holds mug next to Andy’s head] Make the face. [Andy smiles] Yeah, I don’t see it.
Andy: Dude, that is my face!

Pam: [Dwight slams something on desk] What was that?
Jim: Wow. That was Dwight. He seems upset about something.
Pam: Describe him exactly. What color mustard is his shirt? Yellow or Dijon?
Jim: It is… more of a spicy brown, actually.
Dwight: What are you mumbling about?
Jim: How was your meeting with Michael?
Dwight: None of your business.
Jim: Was it your scores?
Dwight: Those can’t be my scores, Jim. For your information —
Jim: Mm-hmm.
Dwight: I’m being sabotaged.
Jim: Of course.
Dwight: And I’m going to find that person and punish them.
Jim: Absolutely. Or you could just be nice to your customers.
Dwight: You’re an idiot.
Jim: There’s the charm.
Michael: Jimbo, let’s do this thang.
Jim: That is me. Wish me luck.
Dwight: No way.
Pam: [whispers on bluetooth] Good luck.
Jim: Thanks.
Dwight: I didn’t say anything
Pam: I love you.
Jim: I love you, too.
Dwight: What do you think I am saying to you?!
Jim: I’m not talking to you.

(Video) All American Season 5 Episode 6 Spencer and Olivia Argue About The Article Scene

Dwight: I’ve caught Jim talking to himself several times today. What a loser. Get a friend, loser.

Andy: [on phone] Yeah, I’m looking at it right now. It’s really gorgeous. You guys do great work.

Andy: I found the best tentist on the east coast. He personally tented Giuliani’s first and third weddings. And I got him. [shakes fist] I got him!

Andy: [on phone] Would you be able to do the same design, but with walls of gray? And a top that’s gray too? Fabulous.

Michael: Oh, come on.
Jim: What?
Michael: You too?
Jim: Did my scores drop a little?
Michael: Jim, they are a poopy. [Jim coughs, presses button to end call on Bluetooth]

Pam: [touches ear] Jim? Jim?

Jim: Are we even sure that’s my file?
Michael: No. [glances at it] Yes, I am sure, Jim. It —
Jim: Well, there’s got to be an explanation.
Michael: I agree.
Jim: Yeah.
Michael: So let’s see what we can find out from reading. [reads] Jim Halpert is smudge and arrogant.
Jim: I think you mean smug
Michael: [points at Jim] Arrogance.
Jim: Michael, I’m just trying to —
Michael: And there’s our smudgeness.

Jim: I need a decent bonus, because I’m actually in the process of buying my parents’ house so that they can retire. And if history tells us anything, it’s that you can’t go wrong buying a house you can’t afford. Pam doesn’t know about the house, so it’s… a fun surprise. [taps Bluetooth earpiece] Pam, sorry about that. I lost you for a second. So, as it turns out, I may not have done so hot on my customer reviews this year.
Pam: Maybe it’s because you spent the whole year flirting with the receptionist.
Jim: A little bit. … Worth it.

Michael: Here’s what’s going to happen. I am going to have to fix you, manage you two on a more personal scale, a more micro form of management. Jim, what is that called?
Jim: Microgement.
Michael: Boom! Yes. Now, Jim is going to be the client. Dwight, you’re going to have to sell to him without being aggressive, hostile or difficult. Let’s go.
Dwight: All right, fine. [picks up phone] Brrring.
Jim: [picks up phone] Hello?
Dwight: Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Jim: Wow, that’s great, because I need paper.
Dwight: Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited-time offer only on everything.
Jim: Wow, this is my lucky day.
Michael: [whispers] Ask him his name.
Dwight: What is your name, sir?
Jim: I am Bill Buttlicker.
Dwight: Really, that’s your real name?
Jim: How dare you? My family built this country, by the way.
Michael: Be respectful, Dwight.
Dwight: Yes, Michael.
Jim: Would you hold on one second? That’s my other line.
Dwight: What? No, but I —
Jim: Hello? [laughs] No, I’m just on the phone with this stupid salesman. He’s so dumb. Probably just gonna keep him on the line forever and not buy anything. Yeah, OK. [punches button on phone]
Michael: It’s up to you to change his mind.
Jim: Sorry. That was a family emergency.
Dwight: Oh, no. What’s wrong?
Jim: You know what? That’s private.
Michael: Boundaries, Dwight. Come on!
Dwight: Sorry, Mr. Buttlicker. As I was saying, we’re having a limited–
Jim: Sorry, you’re going to have to speak up a little bit louder. I’m hard of hearing.
Michael: He’s hard of — he’s an old man. Let’s go.
Dwight: OK, as I was saying, right now we are having —
Jim: You’re gonna have to talk louder.
Dwight: OK, our prices have never been lower.
Jim: Son, you have to talk louder.
Dwight: …never been lower!
Jim: Louder, son!
Dwight: [shouting] Buttlicker! Our prices have never been lower!
Michael: Stop it! Stop it!
Dwight: He —
Michael: That is totally inappropriate. You never yell at the client. You never yell at the client.
Jim: Now, you listen to me, sir.
Michael: Here we go.
Jim: The three words I would describe you as is aggressive, hostile and definitely difficult.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: Please, Mr. Buttlicker —
Jim: I’m irate right now.
Michael: Give me the phone.
Dwight: Please give me another chance. Mr. Buttlicker.
Michael: Give me the phone. Give me the phone.
Dwight: I have to put you on with my boss.
Jim: Well, I should hope so. [Michael takes phone] Who is this?
Michael: Hello, this is Michael Scott, regional manager.
Jim: Well, this is William M. Buttlicker.
Michael: Hello, Mr. Buttlicker. How may we help you?
Jim: Michael, I like the sound of your voice. You know what I’m going to do? I’m going to buy one million dollars worth of paper products today.
Dwight: [shakes fist, whispers] Yeah!
Michael: [covers phone, whispers to Dwight] See how it’s done? [into phone] Thank you very much, sir. I don’t think you’ll regret it. [to Dwight] See what I did?
Dwight: You are the master.
Jim: There is one condition, Michael.
Michael: Yes.
Jim: You have to fire the salesman that treated me so terribly.
Dwight: Don’t do it, Michael.
Michael: … [whispers] It’s a million-dollar sale.

Andy: So it’s called the Shangri-La Tent. It’s two stories, heated and has a bridal suite for my bridal sweet. It’s just really simple, really tasteful.
Angela: I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo
Andy: Hobos live in trains.
Angela: Nana Mimi can’t be in canvas that long.
Andy: Well, Nana Mim — Ahh. OK, look. This tent is awesome. And it’s in high demand, so I really think we should put a deposit down now.
Angela: OK fine you can have your tent, but only if it’s in a field, a hand-plowed field
Andy: Done and done-er.
Angela: There has to be a barn that’s old enough that you can see the stars through the roof slats when you lay on your back. And antique tools to look at when you roll over.
Andy: Do you have a specific place in mind?
Angela: No. But anything within a five- to eight-mile radius is acceptable.
Andy: On it!

Jim: Dwight. Dwight. [Dwight’s car comes screeching into view]
Dwight: Get in!
Jim: Are you serious?
Dwight: Get in! [he peels off into parking space]
Jim: OK, what are you —
Dwight: Shh. [turns radio up loud, playing “Centerfold.”] They might be listening to us.
Jim: What’s that?
Dwight: They might be listening to us
Jim: Who’s they?
Dwight : Customer service might be monitoring this conversation.
Jim: In this car?
Dwight: You never know. Better safe than sorry.
Jim: [turns radio down] What are you thinking?
Dwight: Who stands to benefit from our downfall?
Jim: The mob, maybe NASA.
Dwight: Could be the mob. But then Dunder-Mifflin would need to be a front for money laundering, and there’s little evidence of that.
Jim: Is there some evidence?
Pam: [on Bluetooth] Ooh, cute shoes online.
Jim: How many shoes do you need?
Dwight: I don’t know. Two, maybe three if one wears out. How many shoes do you need?

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Jim: I’m not talking to you.
Dwight: Who are you talking to?
Jim: Pam.
Dwight: She’s not here, Jim.
Jim: No, she’s not.

Pam: [in New York, humming to herself to the tune of “Centerfold”] Na na na na na. Na na na na na na na.

Andy: [at computer, spins chair around and makes triumphant gesture] Yes!

Andy: I found it. I found the perfect place. A local bed-and-breakfast on a 60-acre beet farm. And even better, I have an in with the owner. Oh, yeah. We work together. It’s Dwight Schrute. As in Schrute Farms.

Customer: [on phone] So I’d like to redouble my order, if you could put me down for, um —
Dwight: Wait, shut up.
Customer: I’m sorry?
Dwight: Shh. Do you hear that?
Customer: Hear what?
Dwight: Breathing. Is that you?
Customer: Well, I am breathing, yes.
Dwight: Well, stop. Hold your breath. I still hear it. Who’s there? Kelly, is that you? Hold on. [puts down phone and runs away]
Customer: I need paper.

Dwight: [jumps into Kelly’s area] Ha! [Kelly screams in surprise]
Kelly: Oh, my God. You scared me.
Dwight: Hear anything interesting?
Kelly: What are you talking about?
Dwight: [laughs] I think you know.
Kelly: You always say that, and I almost never know.
Dwight: What are you up to, girl? Huh? Phyllis put you up to this? Stanley? Are they paying you?
Kelly: Are you accusing me of something?
Dwight: Of course I am. I know you’re the mastermind, but you’re too stupid to do it by yourself.
Jim: [behind Dwight]: OK.
Dwight: [surprised] Ah!
Jim: Easy.
Dwight: OK.
Jim: Let’s just — Let’s head back to the desk.
Kelly: You just can’t come into my nook and call me stupid. And maybe if you were a little bit more nice and polite, then people wouldn’t give you such bad customer reviews.
Dwight: The reason that I got bad customer reviews is because I didn’t! There is a massive conspiracy going on here, and I know you’re involved.
Kelly: Dwight, get out of my nook!
Pam: [in New York] That’s what she said! That’s what she said! That’s what she said!
Jim: Good one.

Jim: [enters breakroom] Hey. Sorry about Dwight, by the way.
Kelly: Yeah, he’s weird.
Jim: Well, we all handle it differently. I personally choose to handle it like a normal person, but…
Kelly: OK.
Jim: Hey, how are you and Darryl?
Kelly: Um, we’re cool. [gets up to leave] Bye.
Jim: Bye.
Pam: [on Bluetooth] That was weird.
Jim: What was?
Pam: Have you ever had a conversation with Kelly where she didn’t go on for 15 minutes without taking a breath?
Jim: No, actually.
Pam: Did you do something to her?
Jim: I don’t think so.
Pam: Well, something’s off.

Jim: Hey, how’s things?
Ryan: All right.
Jim: Yeah?
Ryan: Living in the moment.
Jim: Do you have any reason to believe that Kelly would be mad at me?
Ryan: I don’t play the politics game anymore, Jim. Can I tell you something? I played it full on in New York. I played it high stakes. For keeps. Made it to the top. But look what it cost. [takes sip of coffee] Can I tell you what else I learned?
Jim: Wait, that’s pretty weird.
Ryan: What?
Jim: Well, Andy has a mug just like that.
Ryan: Oh, yeah, Kelly gave them out as party favors. Remember? You got one.
Jim: No. What party?
Ryan: Her America’s Got Talent finale party over the summer. [Jim makes face] That’s crazy. It was packed. I thought everyone was there. You were there. I remember you being there.
Jim: I wasn’t. But thank you. [to Pam] Do you know anything about this party?
Pam: Yes, I said you definitely should go, but you wanted to visit me instead.
Jim: Well, I can’t be the only one who didn’t — [sees mugs on Angela’s and Meredith’s desks]

Jim: [walks quickly to break room, opens cabinet and finds mugs of Oscar, Creed and Phyllis]

Jim: Dwight, let me see your coffee cup.
Dwight: No. [holds Sheriff’s Department mug protectively]
Jim: Is that it?
Dwight: No. Why? No. [puts it in desk drawer and slams it shut]
Jim: OK, I’m gonna assume that was it. Here’s the thing: I think you’re right. I think it was Kelly. I think she’s mad at us for not coming to her party.
Dwight: Oh, man, I knew it. Who are her co-conspirators?
Jim: Probably just Kelly.
Dwight: Obviously. I knew it.
Jim: That’s what I’m saying.
Dwight: Yeah. What?
Jim: You were right.
Dwight: I was — I was right.
Jim: You were right.
Dwight: I was right.
Jim: You knew it.
Dwight: I knew it.
Jim: You knew it the whole time, buddy.
Dwight: I knew it the whole time, buddy! [shoves Jim]
Jim: Wow.
Dwight: Yeah! Woo-hoo!

Pam: [in New York] Right Dwight is loud.

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Dwight: I knew it! Yeah! Ha-ha! Woo! [kicks near Phyllis’ head; she ducks] Boom! Kelly the whole time. Let’s get her.
Jim: No, no, no, no. Dwight, Dwight, Dwight. Let’s talk about this.

Kelly: What’s going on?
Michael: Why don’t you tell us?
Kelly: Nothing’s going on.
Dwight: Let me paint you a picture of a little girl from southern India, who despite being welcomed into this country will now spend the rest of her life in prison for a crime she did commit.
Michael: Dwight. [to Kelly] I was informed by these gentlemen that the reports that you filed may not entirely be accurate.
Kelly: What? I — I don’t know what you’re talking about. This is the first I’m hearing about this.
Dwight: Oh, come on. You juked the stats, cupcake.
Jim: We called about a dozen customers, and they all said that they gave us great marks.
Michael: What’s going on?
Kelly: I love your tie, Michael.
Michael: [looks momentarily flattered, but thinks better of it] Kelly.
Kelly: I was raped.
Michael: You cannot say “I was raped” and expect all of your problems to go away, Kelly. Not again. Don’t keep doing that. I’ll give you one last chance to come clean. Just tell me what happened.
Kelly: OK, all right. OK, I did it. All right? I lied, whatever. Just fire me. But you know what? I did it because you guys didn’t come to my party, and you said you would try to and then you didn’t even show up, and so you’re bad friends.
Dwight: We have our confession. I’m calling security. [reaches for phone]
Michael: Don’t. Don’t. Get away from that, Dwight, please. You know what? She’s got a point about you two. You do have a problem dealing with people.
Kelly: See? I wasn’t lying.
Michael: You were lying.
Kelly: I was lying.
Michael: Yes. Jim, Dwight, please excuse us.
Dwight: I want to be here when you fire her ass.
Michael: I will call you when it is time. [Jim and Dwight leave]
Michael: I have an enormous amount of trouble trying to get people to come to my place. And I hate it. I can’t tell you how much leftover guacamole I have ended up eating over the years. I don’t even know why I make it in such great quantities. Here’s what we’re gonna do. We are going to sit here for a while, make it look good. And maybe you should cry. Can you make yourself cry?
Kelly: No problem.
Michael: I think you should do that. [Kelly starts fake-crying, then laughing, then she and Michael both laugh]

Alex: Pam Beesley?
Pam: Hey, what are you doing here?
Jim: Who’s that?
Pam: It’s Alex.
Alex: It’s Pam. Uh, I came to kidnap you. There’s free wine and cheese at the Chuck Close retrospective. Let’s go.
Jim: Oh, that’s gonna be great. Who’s Chuck Close?
Pam: Oh, I love Chuck Close and his photo-realist paintings. But I have to work.
Alex: Uh, well, actually there’s something else I’d love to talk to you about. Can we go somewhere else to talk about it?
Pam: OK.
Jim: That’s it. I want to talk to this guy. Put me in his ear.
Alex: [in private office] Um.
Pam: What’s up?
Alex: I’m gonna take a big leap and I want to tell you that I think you should not move back to Scranton.
Pam: Wow.
Jim: I’m gonna make a bigger leap here. He is into you.
Alex: Why did you come to New York in the first place?
Pam: Because they have a great design program, and I wanted to see if I was any good at it. And I wanted to work on my art, too.
Alex: Right. And that’s why I think that you should stay here. Because I mean, you — really you just got here, you know? You can’t do New York in three months. You know, it has everything. It has — all the opportunity is here. All the — the whole art scene is in New York. You know, it would be nuts to go back to Scranton without getting to fully experience it.
Pam: Jim’s in Scranton.
Alex: I know. But all I’m saying is, if there’s even a teeny, tiny part of you that really wants to be an artist, then I think you should stay here, because you don’t want to wake up in 50 years and look back and wonder what could have been. And that is the end of my speech. I planned it all. Anyway … I will see you tomorrow.
Pam: I’ll see you tomorrow.
Alex: OK. [Pam and Jim look worried]

Dwight: Is that the Matsuhashi B-400? The world’s tiniest Bluetooth? [reaches toward Jim’s ear] May I?
Jim: Don’t.

Dwight: Congratulations on choosing Schrute Farms for your wedding.
Andy: We haven’t decided on anything yet. We’re still reviewing some options, and it’s gonna come down to the numbers.
Dwight: Well, then. Why don’t you look over some of our materials? [opens album]
Andy: Oh. Hmm.
Dwight: [looking at Angela] While I describe to you the Excalibur package. In addition to the breathtaking natural beauty and smell of Schrute Farms, I can promise you that our grounds can be catered to fit your exact specifications. [Angela smiles] I will work tirelessly for you over the coming months and be at your constant disposal. [Andy moves his head into Dwight’s view] Please feel free to call or stop by, any time of the day or night.
Andy: That’s very generous.
Dwight: While you, my good friend, have nothing more to worry about. This wedding is officially out of your hands.
Andy: Oh, thank the good Lord. Deal! [shakes Dwight’s hand]
Dwight: OK.
Andy: Um, what are we talking price wise?
Dwight: You already said deal.
Angela: Pay him whatever he wants.
Andy: Can’t argue with that. Dwight … [takes Angela’s hand] You are going to make us so happy. [Dwight and Angela grin at each other]

Deleted Scene 1

Meredith: Come on, how did you propose? Spill it. Were you wasted?
Michael: How did I propose, let me see… well, I drove her up to Nashua, and I had the ring, a big 10-carat diamond; it was beautiful. And I got down on my hands and knees, and a shooting star crossed overhead, and it just lit up the diamond like a shooting star. And we were in a restaurant, and I put the diamond into a cheeseburger.
Kevin & Andy: Ooooh.
Michael: And she took a bite, started to choke. So what do I do? I have CPR training. Go around, start doing the Heimlich.
Jim: Perfect.
Michael: The ring, 10-carat diamond, pops out of her mouth, hits her shrimp cocktail, right onto her finger. Million-to-one shot. All of the Greek people in the restaurant start screaming “Opa!” Which means “congratulations,” so…
Andy: Oh, man!

Pam: [in Jim’s ear] Ask how he’s doing since the breakup.
Jim: So, how you holdin’ up?
Michael: I’m pretty much devastated.
Pam: Ask if there’s anything you can do.
Jim: You know what you should do? Take a vacation.
Michael: Maybe go to Sandals, Jamaica. Or the other Sandals, Jamaica. I just don’t want to go by myself.
Pam: Tell him you’d like to go with him.
Jim: We should take a look at those surveys.

Michael: Why are surveys important? Okay, hypothetical: A man wants to buy 500 reams of….carrots. And, so he’s like “What do I do? Where do I go? Do I go to the insensitive carrot supplier, the insensitive carrot salesman? Or do I go to the nice carrot salesman, who will maybe charge a few cents more per ream of carrot, but guarantee next-day delivery on your carrots? Most companies need their carrots the next day. Now, substitute paper for carrots, and that is why surveys are important.”

Deleted Scene 2

Michael: Great marks, Phyllis. [Phyllis walks out of Michael’s office smiling]
Phyllis: [to Stanley] Hey, I did good too!
Stanley: I knew it. Haha! [they high five]
Andy: [hand up, seeking a high five] Up! Don’t leave me hangin’! [they do]

Dwight: What do I do with my bonus check? [scoffs] Simple. Purchase paper from myself. Boosts my sales, which boosts my bonus. Last year I bought even more paper to make this year’s bonus even bigger. Eventually, I’ll get a bonus so big I can retire on it. And I’ll use the paper to write my memoirs.

Michael: I taught Jim and Dwight everything I know about sales. But there are certain things that cannot be taught, and it is these things that I now must teach them.

Michael: Attention, all problem sales persons. Jim Halpert… Dwight Schrute…
Dwight: [raises hand] Here.
Michael: Intensive one-on-one retraining will begin after lunch. That is all.
Andy: I am no longer the worst salesman in the office. Yes! [Andy gestures excitedly, knocking over his coffee mug] Ow! Dammit!

Jim: Dwight and I are both writing letters to our clients. I’m just sending a quick note to say how much I appreciate their business, and he is writing notarized letters to inform them them that lying on customer reviews is a prosecutable form of fraud and defamation. It’s just… different styles.

Dwight: My job is to manipulate the customer into buying paper. In return, they give me money. I am the predator and they are the prey. Would a mouse give a positive review to a hawk? Should the hawk even care? [sighs heavily, nearly starts to cry] Excuse me, I’ve got work to do.

(Video) Battle Through The Heavens Season 5 episode 21 💥 1080P | #donghuaterbaru #btth #shorts

Deleted Scene 3

Stanley: [laughs heartily and passes a newspaper to Phyllis]
Phyllis: [laughing] It’s good!
Dwight: Hey, what are you laughing at?
Stanley & Phyllis: [continue to laugh]
Dwight: Are you laughing at me?
Phyllis: We’re laughing at this cartoon! [passes newspaper to Dwight]
Stanley: Perfect, isn’t it?
Dwight: [looks at cartoon] How is that funny? What are you really laughing at? Huh?
Phyllis: Haven’t you been following the news? Ther university is using its non-profit status to fund its private real estate investments.
Stanley: [laughing louder] And he really nailed them on it. Somebody’s finally holding them accountable!
Dwight: [looking at cartoon] There’s no way you’re laughing at this.

Jim: [peering nervously through conference room window] Oh, I don’t have anything to say. I’m just hiding from Dwight.
Dwight: [is seen taking apart his phone receiver to check for listening devices]

(Video) Roast Me | Season 5 Episode 3 | All Def

Dwight: It’s good to be paranoid. People need to be more paranoid. Case in point, JFK. If I had been JFK, I would have seen all three gunmen. I would have pulled out my concealed Luger and fired first. Man in book depository, BOOM! Grassy knoll, BOOM! Fake Jackie, BOOM! [pretends to kiss, then shoot imaginary person to his left] Then I shoot myself, so I don’t change history and create a paradox. BOOM! But right at the last minute, [contorts head sideways] I twist out of the way of the bullet. Nice try, history. Better luck next year.

Jim: So, as it turns out, Dwight is right. How bizarre.
Pam: [in Jim’s ear] I wonder what else Dwight’s been right about….

Dwight: Major pharmaceuticals do not want you to know that beet juice has medicinal value both as an aphrodisiac and a laxative.
Dwight: The Scranton Zoning Board has a strong bias against beet farmers. The mayor is in the pocket of Big Lettuce.
Dwight: Battlestar Galactica isn’t a documentary exactly.
Dwight: The book All The President’s Men is about a conspiracy, just not the one people think.
Dwight: Jesus had a daughter, and she was the Mona Lisa.
Dwight: What we have come to know as fake crab meat is in fact real crab meat, and real crab meat is lobster.

FAQs

What episode is Buttlicker? ›

Buttlicker is a character voiced by Jim Halpert during the episode "Customer Survey ". He also goes by Bill Buttlicker, and is one of Dwight Schrute's biggest clients.

What episode is Kelly's birthday on the office? ›

Lecture Circuit

What does Michael buy with the surplus? ›

The employees quickly decide to have the chairs replaced instead of remaining deadlocked, upsetting Michael. Later, Michael laments that he bought a fur coat in anticipation of receiving the bonus, which had fake blood thrown on it by activists.

What episode is customer service? ›

The episode consists of comic meditations on the friction between programmers and the people they rely on.

What episode is customer loyalty? ›

"Customer Loyalty" is the twelfth episode of the ninth season of the American comedy television series The Office and the 188th episode overall. The episode was written by Jonathan Green and Gabe Miller, and directed by Kelly Cantley.

Why did Kelly leave The Office? ›

At the beginning of Season 9, Kelly reveals she and Ravi got engaged and moved to Oxford, Ohio. Kelly happily quit her job at Dunder-Mifflin, mistakenly believing she was moving to Miami with Ravi. Upon discovering Kelly's move, Ryan then also moves to Ohio, though he claims it's for unrelated reasons.

What did Holly's letter say? ›

We never find out what Hollyhock's letter says. We don't get glimpses of sentences, nor does BoJack narrate what he's reading. He simply reads it, sighs, and drops the letter. He later relapses from his sobriety, which indicates whatever Hollyhock said in her letter, it hit him hard.

How old is Gabe supposed to be in The Office? ›

In that same episode, Michael says that Gabe is 26 years old. Gabe has a fascination with horror movies, with over 200 of them in his movie collection ("Goodbye, Michael").

How much would Michael have to pay for Scott's Tots? ›

Assuming all 15 of Scott's Tots attended a 4-year private university, Michael would have to pay $1,940,940. This episode is notorious among fans of the show as being one of its most awkward and uncomfortable episodes.

How much did Michael Scott spend on vodka? ›

Michael goes out to buy 15 bottles of vodka for $166.41, the clerk assures him will cause 20 people to get plastered, Jim tries to get the teapot back from Dwight who plans to use it to clear out his nostrils, because he gets sinus infections. Pam shows Roy her iPod.

What does Dwight say in German? ›

Example: Jim: "Did you ever think that because you own the building, everyone in it — we're all kind of like your children." Dwight: "You know, there's a phrase about that in German: Bildenkinder. Used almost exclusively by childless landlords to console themselves."

What episode of The Office is Customer Survey? ›

"Customer Survey" is the seventh episode of the fifth season of the television series The Office, and the show's seventy-ninth episode overall. The episode aired in the United States on November 6, 2008, on NBC.

Why do they call it an episode? ›

Episode derives from the Greek term (Ancient Greek: ἐπεισόδιον / epeisodion), meaning the material contained between two songs or odes in a Greek tragedy. It is abbreviated as ep (plural eps). An episode is a coherent narrative unit within a larger dramatic work.

What language does episode come from? ›

It comes from the Greek epeisódion, meaning “addition” or “parenthetic narrative.” In the context of ancient Greek drama, the word episode refers to one of the particular sections or interludes that occur between other parts of the play.

Who does Jim cheat on Pam with? ›

According to Brian Baumgartner's new book, Welcome to Dunder Mifflin: the Ultimate Oral History of The Office, a plotline for the show's Season 8 episode "After Hours" involved Jim cheating on Pam with her maternity leave replacement Cathy Simms (Lindsey Broad).

Who is Jenna Fischer husband? ›

Jenna Fischer

Does Andy get fired in season 9? ›

Although throughout the ninth season, Andy's relationship with Wallace deteriorates from Andy's lack of focus and professionalism, eventually culminating in Andy's voluntary resignation, to his reinstatement as a salesman to his eventual firing again, after Andy's vulgar actions cause David Wallace to fire him, which ...

What episode of The Office was banned? ›

The episode first aired in the United States on September 27, 2005, on NBC. "Sexual Harassment" saw the first physical appearance of recurring character Todd Packer (played by David Koechner) after first being heard through a phone call in the first episode.
...
Sexual Harassment (The Office)
"Sexual Harassment"
Running time22 minutes
Guest appearances
13 more rows

Is The Office 100% scripted? ›

A complete script was written for each episode; however, actors were given opportunities to improvise during filming. Fischer said, "Our shows are 100 percent scripted. They put everything down on paper. But we get to play around a little bit, too.

What is the highest rated episode of The Office? ›

The Best 'The Office' Episodes, Ranked.
...
  1. “Casino Night” (Season 2, Episode 22)
  2. “The Dundies” (Season 2, Episode 1) ...
  3. “Dinner Party” (Season 4, Episode 13) ...
  4. “The Job” (Season 3, Episodes 24 and 25) ...
17 Sept 2022

Why was Cathy removed from office? ›

It is unknown what happened to Cathy, but she is no longer seen at Dunder Mifflin or elsewhere. It can be inferred that Cathy either chose to stay in Florida, chose to work elsewhere or was fired alongside Todd Packer.

Why was Michael written off The Office? ›

What happened to Michael Scott on The Office? We may never know exactly what went down behind the scenes, Michael's exit on the show is more easily explained. After finally finding his soulmate in HR representative Holly Flax, Michael decided to quit his job and move with Holly to her home state of Colorado.

Why did Ryan quit The Office? ›

In the season 4 finale "Goodbye, Toby", Ryan is arrested for committing fraud. He is eventually released and required to work community service. In the season 5 premiere, Ryan returns to the Scranton branch after Michael arranges for him to work in Pam's previous job as receptionist.

Did Michael end up with Holly? ›

After facing numerous challenges in their relationship, Holly and Michael ultimately get engaged and move to Colorado towards the end of season 7.

What was Holly's Greek name in The Office? ›

In an attempt to help Andy with his seminar, Michael has taken a Greek persona of "Mykonos". After noting that he sounds more Italian than Greek, Holly spends the day helping Michael develop his character. While trying out his character on Hank, Holly creates her own persona as "Necropolis", "Mykonos's" wife.

Why was Jan jealous of Pam? ›

Now, she wasn't jealous of Pam's love story with Jim — she was jealous of Pam's connection to Michael. In “Fun Run,” Jan accused Pam of “peeking” after she accidentally walked in on Michael changing. Likewise, in “Dinner Party,” Jan told Pam that she knew about her secret relationship with Michael.

Is Michael Erin's dad? ›

After Erin confronts Michael over his hostile feelings for Gabe, Michael angrily questions why she needs his approval as he is not her father. Erin is silent and Michael has an insightful moment, realizing Erin admires him and views him as a father figure.

Did Erin like Gabe? ›

Pam learns that Erin is not attracted to Gabe at all, and is in fact completely repulsed by him, but is too shy to break it off.

Is Gabe a villain? ›

Type of Villain

Gabriel Susan "Gabe" Lewis is a major antagonist in the US version of The Office. He serves as the secondary antagonist of Seasons 6 and 8, the main antagonist of Season 7 and a minor antagonist in Season 9.

Does Michael Scott pay the kids tuition? ›

In the episode, it is revealed that ten years earlier, Michael Scott (Steve Carell) heedlessly promised to pay for the college tuition of an entire local third grade class.
...
Scott's Tots.
"Scott's Tots"
Written byGene Stupnitsky Lee Eisenberg
Cinematography byMatt Sohn
Editing byDavid Rogers
Production code6013
11 more rows

What is Dwight Schrute salary? ›

Manojar noted that there was a time where Dwight was satisfied with $30,000 a year before making around $55,000. Bombay66 wrote, "Best salesman in the company, probably makes $40,000 on top of his base salary." But when Sabre bought Dunder Mifflin, Dwight earned even more money.

Was Michael really on Fundle bundle? ›

In the episode "Take Your Daughter to Work Day", Michael makes the claim that he was a child star on a kids' show called Fundle Bundle; however, it becomes clear that he simply appeared on the show as one of many guest children.

What does Michael Scott drink every morning? ›

He hosts a pancake luncheon for prospective clients ("Michael Scott Paper Company"). He drinks milk and sugar in the morning ("Broke").

What mental health disorder does Michael Scott have? ›

Michael Scott - Narcissistic Personality Disorder. Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) would explain majority of the character, Michael Scott's personality quirks and behavioral oddities which include such things as extreme self-centeredness, attention seeking, fantasy thinking, etc.

Which rapper owns Bumbu rum? ›

Bumbu Rum Tha Carter V is a collaboration by grammy winning rapper Lil Wayne based on the original recipe created by 16th and 17th century sailors of the West Indies, who blended native Caribbean ingredients into their rum and called it “Bumbu” – truly the original craft spirit.

Is Schrute Farms a real place? ›

This wild disparity is especially odd because Schrute Farms doesn't even exist. The farm “belongs” to Dwight Schrute of the NBC series “The Office” (and his eccentric cousin Mose).

What sound does ss make in German? ›

According to current German orthography, ⟨ß⟩ represents the sound [s]: when it is written after a diphthong or long vowel and is not followed by another consonant in the word stem: Straße, Maß, groß, heißen [Exceptions: aus and words with final devoicing (e.g., Haus)]; and.

Is Schrute a German name? ›

Schrute sounds rather weird in German. In fact, it is not, to my knowledge, a German last name at all. The letter combination, with a long u and an e at the end is quite rare already. Add to that the less common schr-, and you have yourself quite an odd name.

What episode is The Office crossover? ›

"The Seminar" is the fourteenth episode of the seventh season of the American comedy television series The Office, and the show's 140th episode overall.

What episode of The Office did Billie Eilish sample? ›

Eilish's "My Strange Addiction" features lines taken from season seven, episode 17 of "The Office." On the episode, the Dunder Mifflin employees watch a film made by Michael Scott titled "Threat Level Midnight." In the movie, he plays a former secret agent named Michael Scarn and his coworkers appear as various ...

Why is episode so popular? ›

By offering young women a platform for playing through animated interactive stories, plus simple intuitive tools to create their own stories, the studio Pocket Gems created an unsung blockbuster. Over 2.5 billion episodes have been played so far, amounting to over 38,000 years of combined viewing time.

What does it mean when an episode takes place in real time? ›

REAL TIME: In film, when a sequence is presented exactly as it occurs, without any edits or jumps in time. The recent television series, 24, attempted to present the viewer with real time for each of its 24 episodes, with the action in each episode lasting exactly one hour.

How long is a episode? ›

In the United States, dramas produced for hour-long time slots typically are 37 to 42 minutes in length (excluding advertisements), while sitcoms produced for 30-minute time slots typically are 18 to 21 minutes long.

Is episode ok for 11 year olds? ›

On the Apple App Store, the game is rated 12+ and on Google Play it's rated “Mature”. That said, players of Episode are often impressionable older children and teens. A 12+ rating offers little guidance to parents, and ratings overall don't seem to deter children from playing.

Is episode OK for kids? ›

What is the minimum age for the Episode app? The app store rating is 12+ however, there are stories that reference sex, dating, censored nudity, alcohol, drugs and other suggested themes. In Episode's terms and conditions, readers must be at least 13 to play the game.

Why does every episode say pilot? ›

The term “pilot” refers to the fact that this episode guides everything, from tone to main characters to overarching story. It's also a marketing tool—pilots sell the show to executives and networks.

Which episode is the Lizard King? ›

The Lizard King is episode six of season two of Hero: 108, and episode fifty-eight overall.

What office episode is Jan's baby shower? ›

The Office - Season 5 Episode 4.

What episode does Jim cheat? ›

According to Brian Baumgartner's new book, Welcome to Dunder Mifflin: the Ultimate Oral History of The Office, a plotline for the show's Season 8 episode "After Hours" involved Jim cheating on Pam with her maternity leave replacement Cathy Simms (Lindsey Broad).

What episode was Jim's slap game in The Office? ›

"Golden Ticket" is the nineteenth episode of the fifth season of the television series The Office, and the 91st overall episode of the series. It originally aired on NBC in the United States on March 12, 2009. Episode no.

Is the lizard a hero or villain? ›

The Lizard is a monstrous reptilian supervillain from Marvel Comics, most commonly opposing Spider-Man and the X-Men. He was once a biologist named Curtis Connors who studied lizards, in search of creating a serum that could regrow his missing right arm.

Is Lizard a DC or Marvel? ›

The Lizard (Dr. Curtis "Curt" Connors) is a fictional character appearing in American comic books published by Marvel Comics. Created by Stan Lee and Steve Ditko, he first appeared in The Amazing Spider-Man #6 (November 1963) as an enemy of the superhero Spider-Man.

Who is the original Lizard King? ›

Jim Morrison was a king of sorts, at least in his own mind. The lead singer of the Doors sang in one cover song that he was “a king bee.” In another, he said, “I'm the crawlin' king snake.” But Morrison most famously wrote in a poem that he was “the Lizard King,” a name that stuck.

Who is the biological father of Jan's baby? ›

Astrid Levinson is the daughter of Jan Levinson and tennis star Andy Roddick :42:53. Her name is the name of a Viking princess. Michael first realizes that Jan is pregnant with Astrid in the episode, "Goodbye, Toby".

Is Kevin the father of Jan's child? ›

But Kinsey and Fischer finally shared whose sperm Jan bought, which was revealed in a deleted "Goodbye, Toby" scene. The father of Jan's baby, Astrid Levinson, is none other than IRL Office fan and professional tennis player, Andy Roddick.

Are The Office baby photos real? ›

When everyone gathers in the conference room to see a poster board of baby photos, which featured cast members' real baby pictures (minus Jenna Fischer, John Krasinski, and Steve Carell).

Did Pam sleep with Brian? ›

Writer Owen Ellickson says there was even some talk of Pam and Brian “maybe hooking up a little bit,” but Daniels says he never intended for their relationship to get that far: “Ultimately, I didn't think it was about actually going there. They never did anything.

Did Jim find Cathy attractive? ›

Does Jim find Cathy attractive? Jim says no, but Dwight says he's lying and Pam gets her big gotcha moment. In fact, Dwight adds, Jim's lied on every question.

Does Pam cheat with Brian? ›

Even though Pam was emotionally drawn to Brian and his ability to support her through her negative feelings, she didn't actually cheat on Jim with the guy.

What is the most controversial episode of The Office? ›

Sexual Harassment (The Office)
"Sexual Harassment"
The Office episode
Episode no.Season 2 Episode 2
Directed byKen Kwapis
Written byB. J. Novak
11 more rows

Was Jim slapping Dwight scripted? ›

Dwight looks pretty shocked to be on the receiving end of Jim's smack and, while it might appear that the slap was improvised, Fischer confirmed that it was a scripted moment.

Was Jim lying about jury duty? ›

After "reenacting" the crime for his interested co-workers, Dwight begins to question Jim on every detail of his case. Dwight goes to great lengths to try and get Jim to reveal the truth, and figures out Jim was lying about jury duty.

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